Correction vs. Criticism and Knowing the Difference

How do we know the difference between correction and criticism? Why do we resist correction? How do we discern Godly correction vs. Criticism from our enemy's voice? 

The truth is not all correction is harmful, and not all criticism is helpful.

As people who are healing, we have to learn the difference.

Because one voice is meant to shape you.

The other is meant to shame you.

One says, You can do better because I believe in who you can become.

The other says, You'll never be enough.

One is rooted in love....the other is rooted in condemnation. 

So Let's Deal!!

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:17

Hello, friends. Welcome back to this week's episode of We're Dealing Where Life and Faith Get Messy. My name is Dawn Murray, and I'm so happy that you're here with me today. I know that we are learning how to navigate life together. We're learning to grow together and heal together. And I'm so happy that you're joining me in this journey. So today I want to talk about something that came up in today's devotion. I want to read a verse to you. And the verse says this in Hebrews 12, 11, it says, No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but it's painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it. What does that teach us? How does that apply to our life? Why are we so resistant to correction when God says that it's good for us? I want to talk about why and how we struggle with this issue. So first I want to say that this is what this verse teaches us. It teaches us that God corrects us because He loves us. His correction has a purpose. It wants us to be better. It wants us to do better. It wants to produce peace and righteousness in our life. Let's talk about another verse. In Proverbs 12:1, this verse actually makes me laugh. It says, Whoever loves discipline loves knowledge. We like to be disciplined. We want to know what we're doing wrong. Whoever loves discipline loves knowledge, but whoever hates correction is stupid. And again, I always laugh at this verse because, like, who would know that it says in the Bible that whoever hates correction is stupid? But what does this teach us? It teaches us that when we're teachable, we become wise. Wisdom means we're teachable. Pride always rejects correction. But this is the thing, and this is where I want to kind of go today. How do we know when God is lovingly refining us versus when the enemy is accusing us? How do we let people speak into our lives when the very people who were supposed to love us use their words to wound us? How do we stay teachable without becoming vulnerable to manipulation? If we're honest, many of us don't hear correction as correction. We hear it as rejection. We hear it as shame. We hear you're not enough. We hear the echoing of old voices, voices that told us that we're too much. You're too emotional. You are too broken. You're too difficult. Man, you're too needy. You're too sensitive. You're too loud and you're too damaged. And because of those voices, we do one of two things. We either let everyone have access to our hearts because we're so desperate for people's approval. Have you ever heard that song? Looking for love in all the wrong places, looking for love in too many faces. And that is what we do. We look for love everywhere else but God. Or we do this we shut everyone out because we have learned that vulnerability feels dangerous. We build a wall and we don't let anyone in. When we're supposed to build a gate, see the gate opens. You can let people in and then you can let them out. When you build a wall, no one can get in. So I want to talk about this. Have you ever had someone say, I'm just trying to help you? But when but how about when their words left you feeling smaller? They left you feeling ashamed and they left you feeling defeated. But maybe this, maybe someone tried to lovingly point out something in your life, and because you've been hurt, you immediately felt defensive. You took their words as though it was rejection, that they were saying that you were worthless or something was wrong with you. See, this is the truth. The truth is not all correction is harmful, but not all criticism is helpful either. And we have to know the difference. And as people who are healing, we have to know the difference. One voice is meant to shape you, to help you, but the other is meant to shame you. One says, you can do better because I believe in who you can become. That is God's voice. But the other one says, you'll never be enough. One is rooted in love, and the other is rooted in condemnation. And again, we have to know the difference. So let's talk about why this is so hard for us. Why is it so hard to receive correction in our life? When God says that it produces good, correction rarely lands in a vacuum. This is what happens. It lands on our wounds, it lands on the betrayal and the childhood experiences, it lands on abuse and rejection, and it lands on the years of criticism. Because some of us grew up hearing things like, What is wrong with you? You never get anything right. You always mess everything up and you should know better. How about this one? You embarrass me. You'll never change. See, that wasn't correction. That was someone trying to shame you, someone trying to put you down. Correction says that you made a mistake, but criticism actually says you are the mistake. And when you've been raised on criticism, even healthy correction can feel unsafe. See, even Jesus himself corrected people, but he corrected without ever shaming people. He corrected people all the time. Let's talk about Peter, let's talk about Martha, the disciples. Boy, did he correct the disciples. How about the religious leaders? Yet somehow people always walked away from Jesus feeling like they were better, that they were being transformed. They never felt like they were being destroyed or that Jesus was trying to crush their spirit. Even Peter denied Jesus three times. And Jesus could have said this. You always fail me. But instead, Jesus asked this, and I love this. He said, Do you love me? He asked him that question three times, but at the end of it, he restored him. He said these three words. He said, Feed my sheep. But those three words pointed to Peter's future and to his purpose and to what God was calling him to do. It restored him, it corrected him without humiliating him. It was truth without condemnation, accountability with restoration. And that is always the heart of God. So I want to talk about God's voice versus the enemy's voice and how do we know the difference? Well, here's one: the enemy is always the accuser. The enemy is actually called the accuser of the brethren. His job is to accuse and shame. So if there's anyone speaking into your life that is an accuser, accusing you of things, the accuser of the brethren, trying to shame you, trying to put you down, that is coming from your enemy. Accusation is his language. He will remind you of all of your failures. He will twist your words and he will replay your mistakes. He actually distorts your identity. He wants you to believe that your worst moment, the worst thing you've ever done is actually who you are. But see, God's voice sounds so different. God says, son, daughter, come closer to me. This isn't who I created you to be. I want to deal with this issue because I have more for you and I have a better future for you. You are mine. But the enemy says something very different. He says things like, you'll never change. Man, you're disgusting. You call yourself a Christian. Have you ever heard those words? You're too broken and you're a fraud. God convicts, but the enemy will always condemn. God will always point you towards restoration, and the enemy will always point you towards despair. God will say to you, My child, repent. But the enemy will tell you to hide. Run, hide from God. He can never forgive you. God says this, man, you sinned, but turn the other direction because I have better for you. But the enemy will tell you that you are your worst mistake and you are your sin. It's who you are. Romans 8:1 reminds us, and I love this, and this is a reminder every single day when you mess up, because we all mess up. Therefore, there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. See, conviction will feel like an ouch. It will hurt, it will sting, but it will produce hope. You will believe that change is possible and you'll move towards God. You'll confess your sins, you'll heal and you'll grow. But condemnation will always, always, always suffocate hope. It will say to you, why even bother? Because nothing will ever change, and man, you will never change. You are always going to be this way, and it will drive you into hiding. It will make you isolate. It will make you feel ashamed. See, the Holy Spirit will convict you. It will expose things to heal so that you can grow, so that you can deal with it, so that you can move on. And hopefully you can use that in your life to help someone else. But the enemy exposes things to shame you. Correction versus criticism. Correction says, I love you enough to tell you the truth. See, God loves us enough to tell us the truth. And when he puts people in our life that love us with godly love, they will love us enough to tell us the truth. Criticism says something is wrong with who you are. Correction is always rooted in love. It is specific, it addresses specific behavior. It never comes for you and who you are. It never comes for your identity. It will lead you to growth. It will protect your dignity and it will leave room for hope. See, love covers a multitude of sins. It covers you. It covers you. Criticism says this. It says that you will never become anything more. It uses words like always and never. And the thing is, is there are no absolutes in life except for God. And always and never are absolutes. Anything is possible with God. It will attack your identity, it will shame you, it will humiliate you, and it will tear you down and it will leave you feeling defeated. And the thing is, is when we feel defeated, is when we make the worst choices in our life. It will make us turn to the things that are actually destructive for us, right? We will make bad choices. We will get into these cycles because we believe that we are nothing and nothing will ever change. One will build you up, but one will destroy you. And you have to know the difference and you have to know the voice behind the words. So, what happens when people use words to control us? And this is where things get complicated because who in our life is from God and who in our life is from the enemy? And sometimes it's our own voices. But this is where things get complicated. Sometimes the enemy doesn't whisper to us directly, he speaks through wounded people, right? Hurting people hurt people. And we hear this all the time. But sometimes he speaks through people in our lives, people who will manipulate, people who need control. They need control because they need to feel good about themselves. People who confuse love with possessions, and people who use words as weapons. And because many of us genuinely want to be loved and we want to be humble and we want to receive correction. We don't even recognize it. We think things like maybe they're right. Maybe there is something wrong with me. Maybe I'm really impossible to love. Maybe no one else is gonna put up with me, so I have to stay. Maybe I need them. And before we realize it, we've handed at someone authority over ourselves and our hearts and our lives that were never meant to have that authority. Let's talk about the language of manipulation. Manipulation can sound spiritual, it disguises itself as concern. If someone is telling you that I'm just telling that you this because I love you, no one else understands you like I do. Everyone is gonna leave you, but I am the only one who will stay. You will be nothing without me. You're too sensitive. I don't know why you're acting this way. You're crazy. If you would just listen to me, you can't trust anyone else. The goal is never growth. The goal is for you to become dependent on them. If they can destroy your confidence, they become your authority. And isn't that what the enemy does? See, we don't wrestle against flesh and blood, right? We live in a body, but we are spirits. And there is a spiritual war that's going on that we do not even see. And the enemy is using people in our lives to destroy destroy our confidence and become the authority because that is what the enemy wants. If they can convince you that no one else sees your value, you will stay. And that is never correction, that is control. However, discernment is spiritual maturity. Discernment is not paranoia and it's not suspicion. See, suspicion says no one is safe, but discernment asks this. In the moment, it says, What fruit is this producing? What fruit are these words producing in my spirit? Jesus said this. So I want you to ask yourself, do their words produce peace? Do they produce hope, freedom, growth, clarity, love? Or do they produce fear, confusion, dependence, anxiety, isolation, shame? Or how about they make you feel powerlessness? The truth may sting and it might be an ouch, but manipulation will always suffocate you. So how do we test to see if people are really safe? Safe people can receive correction themselves. Listen, we all need correction. We all need someone in our life that has godly good intentions for us. We all need someone to see our blind spots because sometimes we don't see them ourselves. We need someone who covers us, who loves us enough to speak the truth in love. We need to be able to recognize safe people as though that they are people who can celebrate your growth. If they're always jealous and they always want what you have, if they can never apologize, if they don't respect your boundaries and they don't protect your dignity. They want you to be dependent on them and not on God. See, people who are safe will always point you in the direction of God, not to themselves. Unsafe people, they need control, they use guilt, they punish any disagreement that you have. If you do not agree with them, they will take their basketball and go home for three days and they will punish you with silence. They will use your words against you, they will rewrite reality and they will destroy your confidence because they need you to feel smaller. They need you dependent on them, they need you to doubt yourself. But I want you to remember this: not everyone deserves a microphone in your life. Not everyone deserves to have that kind of authority in your life. I want us to all ask ourselves, what is the danger of becoming uncorrectable? If we are not someone who can be taught, right? If we're not someone who someone can speak into our lives, it says again in that verse, Proverbs 12, 1, whoever loves discipline loves knowledge, but whoever hates correction is stupid. So what happens? What is the danger of not being able to be correctable? What is it for you? So I want you to ask yourself, are you correctable? Are there people who can speak into your life? Pain can make us prideful. We can say, I don't need anybody. I'm good by myself. It's just me and God. No one can tell me what to do, no one can tell me anything. That is a dangerous place to be because healing isn't about becoming untouchable, it's becoming teachable. The strongest people aren't those who never need correction. They are the ones who are secure enough to receive it. And listen, it's not easy. It is not easy, and it is not easy to be able to distinguish all the time who has your best interests. It's not easy when someone says something to you that hits your spirit. But take a moment. Don't react in the moment. Go to God with it. Ask Him does this person have the best intentions for me? God, what is it? What is it that you want for me to see in myself? Is this something that's true? And is this something that we need to work on? How about this? How about when we become our own critic? And this is most of us, right? We are our own worst critic. I think everybody can attest to this. Sometimes we escape critical people, but only to become one ourselves. We say things like this, man, you should be further along in your life. You're failing. You always mess up and you will never change. See, would you speak to your child that way? Would you speak to your best friend that way? Would you speak to your wife or your husband that way? Would you speak to someone that you love that way? So, why do we assume that that is how God speaks to us? When we start to hear those voices in our head, where are they coming from? Sometimes we'll call it, well, it's just motivation. I'm just, that's just my own voice trying to motivate me to do better. But it's actually not motivation, it's actually shame. And shame never produces long-lasting transformation. Only love does, only grace does. Have grace for yourself, and only truth does. So again, you have to be able to heal to know the difference. I want to leave you with this. Maybe maturity isn't learning to never need correction. Maybe we'll never get to the place in our lives where we never need correction. We never will, truthfully. Until we get to heaven, we will always need to be corrected, corrected. So maybe maturity is not about learning to never need correction. Maybe it's learning whose voices carry wisdom, who is for you, who has godly wisdom, whose voices carry wounds, and whose voices are trying to manipulate you. But whose voices sound most like Jesus. Know the difference. My sheep know my voice, and a stranger they will not follow. Not every voice deserves authority in your life, but the shepherd's voice will always, always, always lead you towards freedom. The God who loves you enough to correct you would never convince you that you're worthless just to keep you close to him. So stay close enough to know his voice, humble enough to receive his correction, and wise enough to discern manipulation. You have to be courageous enough to walk away from the voices that ask you to trade your God-given worth for someone else's approval. Because you are not too much, you are not crazy, and you are not impossible to love, you're not beyond redemption, you are deeply loved, fiercely pursued, and still being transformed by grace. God is still writing your story and he loves you, he is pursuing you. So I want to thank you so much for joining me today on this episode of We're Dealing. If this spoke to you, if this encouraged you, I would just ask that you would subscribe, leave a review, and remember to share it with someone. I want you to remember this. You may you never confuse the voice that controls with the voice that cares, the voice that accuses with the voice that convicts, or the voice that diminishes your worth with the voice of the shepherd that calls you by name. Life and faith get messy, but we don't have to navigate them alone. So until next time, I want you to keep dealing, keep healing, and keep letting God write your story. Have a great week.