TRUST AFTER THE BETRAYAL

Trust is one of the greatest gifts we can give—and one of the most painful things to lose. In this episode, I share  about betrayal, broken trust, fear, healing, and learning to move forward when the people who hurt us never take responsibility. If you've ever struggled to trust again after being wounded, this episode will remind you that while betrayal may be life-altering, it does not have to be life-ruining.

Transcript

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Hello, friends. Welcome back to this week's episode of We're Dealing Where Life and Faith Get Messy. My name is Dawn Marie, and today we are talking about trust after betrayal. This is a deep and messy topic, but one that we need to deal with in order to live and love like God intends us to. So before we get started today, I want to ask you a question. Have you ever looked at someone and thought, I never thought that you would do this to me? I never thought that you would betray me in this way. Not because they were perfect, and not because you thought that they were incapable of ever making a mistake, but because you genuinely believed that they loved you enough never to hurt you in that way. You believe that they cared, you believe that they were honest, and you believe that they were safe. And the one day you found yourself staring at a reality that you never saw coming. Maybe it was a lie, a betrayal, a hidden truth, or a broken promise, a completely different version of the person that you thought you knew. And suddenly everything changed. And it's not just that your relationship with them changed. You changed. Maybe even the way you see yourself changed. Maybe you feel like you can't trust yourself anymore. And sometimes, if we're really honest, sometimes even the way that you see God changed. I think one of the greatest lies that we tell hurting people is that the betrayal is something that you just simply get over. Get over it, move on. That person didn't deserve you. Just get over it. But you don't just get over it. You grow through it, you heal through it, you learn from it, and you surrender it. But some wounds leave fingerprints on your life. The trauma of having your trust broken by someone you thought would never betray you, it is life-altering. It changes something inside of you because after the betrayal, the world just isn't quite the same anymore. And especially if you've experienced multiple betrayals in your life. You walk into relationships differently, you listen differently, you perceive differently, you trust differently, and you definitely love differently. If we're honest, sometimes we stop living fully because we're so busy trying not to get hurt again. I know that feeling, and maybe you do too. Maybe you're listening right now and you're carrying the questions that keep you awake at night. How did I miss this? Why didn't I see this? And was any of it even real? Can I trust myself again? Can I trust people again? And can I trust God again? And maybe the hardest question of all, how do I heal when the person who hurts me never seems sorry? Friend, if that is where you are today, this conversation is for you. And it's not because I have all the answers, but because I have wrestled with all of the questions. Yesterday I had posted a quote from a book that I'm reading, and the book is called I Want to Trust You But I Don't, and it's by Lisa Turkhurst. And the quote says, The trauma of having your trust broken by people you thought would never betray you, it's life-altering, but it doesn't have to be life-ruining. And that is such a powerful truth. And I think sometimes when we've been hurt and when we've been betrayed, we can take that pain and internalize it, and it actually ruins our life. Maybe together we can discover that healing isn't becoming the person we were before the betrayal. Maybe healing is becoming someone stronger, someone wiser and someone more anchored in God than we ever have before. See, there was a time in my life when I really believed that if someone loved you, they would never intentionally hurt you. I believe that if someone claimed to be a good person, they would do good things. I believe that if someone followed God, they would tell the truth. But life taught me something different, and I'm sure it's taught you something different too. Life taught me that people can love you and still hurt you. People can know right from wrong, but they can still choose wrong. People can know God and still act in ways that don't reflect his character. People can watch you cry and still protect themselves rather than ever tell the truth. And that realization is devastating. See, we were created for connection, we were created for community, intimacy, trust, safety, and we were created to be fully known. But betrayal creates this conflict within us. The thing we need the most heal, which is a healthy relationship, is the very thing that we now become afraid of. That is why people isolate. It's why you become suspicious, and it's why you become hyper-vigilant. It's why you overanalyze every word and every text message. It's why you read into facial expressions, it's why you keep people at arm's length, and it's not because you're cold, and it's not because you are bitter, it is truly because you are scared. I know that when sometimes a new person comes into your life, you can become so scared to open up because it doesn't feel safe. So, what about when discernment and trauma can sound alike? I think one of the hardest parts of healing is figuring out whether you're hearing wisdom or fear. And the truth is that sometimes they can sound the same. Wisdom will tell you this: pay attention, and fear will tell you to run. Wisdom will tell you watch their patterns, but fear will tell you do not trust anyone. Wisdom will tell you proceed slowly with caution, but fear will tell you to build a wall. Wisdom protects and fear isolates. And after betrayal, those voices can become so difficult to separate. Maybe sometimes you feel like you're crazy. You can't decide what is truth and what is not. But maybe you're not crazy and maybe you're not broken. Maybe your nervous system is just trying to protect you. Maybe your heart is trying to avoid another wound. Maybe what you're feeling makes perfect sense. But just because it makes perfect sense does not mean that it's meant to stay in your life, and it's not meant to tell you a narrative that may not be true. Because eventually it becomes survival mode. And survival mode becomes a prison. And God didn't mean for us to merely survive, He created us to live. But this is the tension the mind does not forget. See, forgiveness doesn't erase the memories, healing doesn't mean that you all of a sudden have amnesia. Sometimes it tells us, just let it go. But trauma doesn't work that way. See, the brain records your pain, and especially when it's relational pain, you remember every conversation. You go back over the things that you've discovered, the evidence, the moment your stomach dropped, the moment that everything changed, and the moment that you realize the person you trusted wasn't who you thought they were. See, the goal is not forgetting, the goal is remembering without reliving. And that truth is so powerful because healed people remember they just don't live there anymore. So why do people betray us? This is the question that I always have. Why do good people betray us? See, if someone has godly character and if someone's a good person, and if someone loves us, and it can be a both and, right? They can love us and still hurt us, they can be a good person and still betray us. So why do people betray? Because every wounded person asks that question, right? Why? Why? Why lie? Why deceive? Why manipulate? Why build an entire false reality? Why continue lying when the truth would be so much easier? And why watch someone suffer and not stop their pain? But I think it's important to be balanced here. Not everyone who betrays is evil. Some are just immature. Some people are selfish, some have addictions, some are so deeply wounded that they just can't help it. Sometimes it's trauma from their own childhood, from their own life that makes them act in the ways that they do. Some are driven by shame and some are so desperate to protect an image. Some have spent years running from their own accountability. Regardless of the reason, the impact is still real for the person who is betrayed. So understanding why someone hurt you can create compassion. I know that I've experienced that in my own life. I've tried to take a look at why did someone do that. Where in their life were they hurt so bad that they just repeat the cycles of hurting somewhere out someone else? Understanding why someone hurt you does not require excusing what they did. It does not mean that you have to excuse the behavior. And I think a lot of people need to hear that. So let's talk about apologies. This one I love, or rather, the lack of them. I think some of the deepest wounds come from not just from the betrayal itself, but it's what happens afterwards. It's the denial, it's the blame shifting, it's the rewriting of the story, the pretending that it never happened. It's the refusal to acknowledge reality. And I speak for this from the experience from this one myself. It's the refusal to say, I hurt you, I was wrong, and I am sorry. One of the hardest lessons I've ever learned is healing cannot be dependent on someone else's accountability. Some people will never give it. Sometimes you will never get the apology, you will never get the closure. And I have had to learn that if God wanted me to have closure, then He would have given it to me himself. If your healing requires their apology, you've unknowingly handed them control over your future. Because here is what healing really looks like. Healing is not becoming naive again. Healing is not trusting everyone blindly. Healing is not pretending that everyone is safe. And healing is not ignoring red flags, it's not forgetting that people hurt you. Healing is accepting reality. It's grieving, it's learning boundaries for yourself. Healing is letting safe people get close to you again. Healing is trusting your discernment. And in order to have discernment, you have to trust God and you have to spend time with Him. And healing is trusting yourself. But most importantly, healing is realizing that you will be okay even if someone disappoints you. That right there is your freedom. Because most of us are trying to trust people enough that they can't ever hurt us, right? You're only gonna let them on the surface level. They can only get in enough and get your trust so that they can never hurt you. How many times have you said that in your life? I will never allow someone to get close enough to hurt me again. I have said that myself. But no human relationship comes with a guarantee. The freedom comes when you realize if someone leaves me, I'll survive. If someone lies, I'll survive. And if someone disappoints me, I will survive. Here's the thing that I love. If someone betrays me, God will still be faithful. He will still be present in my life and he will still be writing my story. The goal is not becoming who you were before the betrayal. That version of you is gone. And honestly, maybe that's okay. Because God isn't trying to take you backwards, He's healing you forward. You're not becoming the old version of yourself. You're becoming wiser, you're becoming stronger, more discerning, and a healthier version of yourself. You're becoming a person who is more dependent on God. You're not becoming bitter. You're not becoming hardened, not cynical, just healed. I want you to hear that. You don't need to become bitter, you don't need to become hardened. You don't need to be cynical and suspicious and paranoid. You just need to become healed. So before we end today, I want to speak directly to the person whose heart is tired, the person who has been carrying hurt for such a long time. The person who still thinks about everything that has happened. The person who still has unanswered questions. How about if you never got that apology? How about if you never got the truth? The person never came clean. You never got the closure. I want you to hear this. Healing is not pretending it didn't hurt. Healing is not convincing yourself that it didn't matter. Healing is not excusing what happened. Healing is not calling something good that God calls wrong. Healing is facing reality honestly and deciding that what happened to you will never, ever, ever have the final word over your life. You may never understand why they did what they did. Never. I've had situations in my life where I never understood what happened. I never got the closure. I waited years for the closure and it never came. You may never understand how someone who claimed to love you could hurt you so deeply. You may never understand why they lied, why they hid things, why they chose themselves, and they never apologized. But understanding isn't always what sets you free. Remember that. Understanding isn't always what sets you free. Sometimes acceptance does. Accept what happened. Accept that it hurt and accept that it changed you. It's okay to say that it changed you. There are things in life that will forever change the person that you were, but God is molding a new person that's stronger, that's wiser. I've become a lot more wiser and a lot more discerning in a lot of situations. Acceptance that questions may never be answered this side of heaven. I wonder what questions we'll ask when we get to heaven, or I I wonder if it won't even matter. Accept that God is still good in the middle of it all. One of my favorite verses is Proverbs 3, 5, and 6. And it says, Trust in the Lord with all of your heart. Lean not on your own understanding. Acknowledge him in all of your ways, and he will direct your path. But notice that it doesn't say trust God after you understand. It says trust him when you don't. Trust him when you're confused, when you're disappointed, trust him when you're grieving, when you're angry, and when you're trying to rebuild. Trust him when you're scared, because healing isn't found in having all of the answers. Only God has all of the answers. Sometimes he sends people into our lives and sometimes he removes them. And sometimes we'll never know why. Healing is found in discovering that God is enough even when the answers never come. Romans 8 28 tells us this God works all things together for good for those who love him and are called according to his purpose. It doesn't say that all things are good. See, betrayal isn't good and abandonment is not good. Deception is definitely not good and heartbreak isn't good. But God is so redemptive that He can bring beauty from ashes, he can bring wisdom from pain, strength from weakness, purpose from suffering, and hope from heartbreak. Friend, the people who hurt you may have altered your story, but they do not get to write the ending. Only God has the power to do that. And the same God who carried you through the darkest chapter of your life is fully, fully, fully capable of carrying you into a better one. The goal is not to become who you were before. The goal is becoming who God is shaping you to be now, and that is wiser and stronger and healthier and more discerning. Sometimes he's shaping you to become more compassionate and more dependent on him. The trauma of having your trust broken by people you thought would never betray you is life-altering. It's okay, but the grace of God, it does not have to be life ruining. And if that's all you take away from today's episode, I hope you remember this. What happened to you is just a part of your story, but it is not the end of your story. God is still writing that, and He is not finished. Healing takes time, and you, my friend, are amazing. You can do hard things. I want to thank you so much for spending this time with me today. If this episode encouraged you, if it challenged you or it helped you feel a little less alone in your healing journey, would you just do me a favor? I want you to like, follow, subscribe so that you never miss an episode of We're Dealing. And if you know someone who's struggling with trust, betrayal, heartbreak, or trying to find their footing after being hurt, I want you to share this episode with them. Sometimes the greatest gift we can give someone is simply letting them know that they are not alone. And also, I would love to hear from you. What part of today's conversation resonated with you most? What are you dealing with? Feel free to leave a comment, send a message, or connect with me on social media. Feel free to ask questions or tell me topics that you would like to hear. Remember that healing is not a destination you arrive at overnight. It is a journey, and every single little step forward matters. So until next time, take care of yourself. Lean into God's grace and remember we are all dealing with something, but you don't have to deal with it alone. So I thank you for spending this time with me, and I will see you next time on We're Dealing. Have a great night.