Stop Carrying what isn't yours to Carry

If you’re the person everyone leans on, this episode is for you.

Sometimes caring deeply for others can leave us emotionally empty. Today we’re talking about boundaries, compassion fatigue, and why God never asked us to carry what only He was meant to hold.

If you’ve been feeling drained, overwhelmed, or responsible for everyone else's problems, this  will remind you that you don’t have to carry it all.

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:01

Welcome back to this week's episode of We're Dealing Where Life and Faith Get Messy. Today I want to talk about something that many of us struggle with, especially if you're someone who cares deeply about people. I want to talk about carrying what was never meant for you to carry. I want to talk about creating healthy boundaries for yourself that will protect your soul. So if you're the friend that everyone calls, you're always the one who listens, you're always the one who helps, the one who is the fixer, and the one who carries the weight of everyone else's problems. I want to talk to you today. Sometimes we realize in the midst of all of that, that we are totally and utterly exhausted. And I don't just mean physically, I mean emotionally exhausted, spiritually exhausted. We have nothing left to give. You've been pouring into everyone else, encouraging everyone else and supporting everyone else. But somewhere you've realized you have nothing left for yourself. So today we're dealing with something that's really important. Why God never intended for us to give so much of ourselves that we are left emotionally empty. Because loving people is biblical. No one's denying that. But losing yourself in the process is not. And so I remember a season, and I can't even say that I remember a season because I find that I repeatedly find myself in these seasons where I'm pouring into everyone else. People are always calling, people are constantly texting. There are always needs, there are always crises, and someone is always hurting. And because I care so deeply about people, my instinct is always the same. Of course I'll help. Of course I'll listen. Of course I'll be there. And usually I find that my first instinct is that it's the right thing to do. But after a while, something starts to happen that I don't really expect. And that is that I'm exhausted. I'm not just tired. I'm emotionally drained. And sometimes I sit and I realize that I've spent so much time carrying everyone else's pain that I haven't even checked in with my own heart. Have you ever found yourself in that place? Have you ever asked yourself, how's your heart today? You find yourself empty. And the truth is that usually we think that helping people and giving so much of ourselves means that we're a good Christian. We think that pouring ourselves out completely is what love looks like. But eventually we realize that God never asks us to carry what only He is meant to carry. So what happens when helping people becomes actual self-abandonment? So many of us confuse being loving with being available 24-7. So I want to talk about some common patterns that we find ourselves in. We find ourselves being the emotional support for everyone else. We're constantly rescuing others. We're always answering the phone, and we never can say no. No is a complete sentence. We don't need any other explanation other than no. And we find ourselves carrying everyone else's problems. But somewhere along the line, we've started believing that being a good Christian again means that we're constantly available. But the truth is, is that is not sustainable. Jesus himself cared deeply about people, but he never allowed people to drain him completely. I love this verse in Mark 6.31. He said to his disciples, Come with me by yourselves to a quiet place and get some rest. Jesus literally told the disciples to step away from people. Can you imagine? See, we thought that they walked the earth and they were constantly just pouring into people and they were constantly loving on people, but Jesus literally told them to come away to a quiet place and get some rest. So I want to talk about some root issues and why, why, why do we feel that we have to give so much of ourselves? What happens when these good things actually become unhealthy behaviors? So many of us overgive because of these, and I know I'm gonna ruffle some feathers. One, we are people pleasers. We want to please everyone around us. Sometimes we have a fear of rejection, we have this need to feel needed. And most of the time it comes from a trauma response. Sometimes we've been rejected in our lives or we've experienced things in our lives that people have not accepted us or loved us. So we feel like we have to pour out because if we don't give all of ourselves to someone else, then they won't love us and they won't accept us. We become people pleasers, but we don't actually please ourselves. Some of us have learned that our value comes from how much we give. But God never measured our worth by our exhaustion. Imagine that. God never measures your worth by your exhaustion. In Galatians 6, 5, it says this for each one should carry their own load. See, helping people is good, but carrying what belongs to them is not. Sometimes the most loving thing we can do for them is actually teach them how to carry their own load. So I want to talk about that. What does that practically look like? What does it look like to help someone versus carrying their load? One of the biggest things that we have to learn is the difference between helping someone and carrying someone else's problems. So helping someone looks like this. Listening, encouraging, praying, even offering support. But carrying someone looks like this. We feel responsible for fixing their life. Sometimes we think that if we don't step in and we don't fix their lives, then it's all gonna fall apart. We can lose sleep over their problems. They're not losing sleep, but we're losing sleep over their problems. We're constantly rescuing them because again, if we don't step in and we don't take charge and we don't rescue them, somehow they're gonna fall apart. We take on their emotional weight. And when we cross that line, something unhealthy starts to happen. We start stepping into a role that actually belongs to God. Scripture reminds us in 1 Peter 5 7, cast your cares on Him because He cares for you. And notice it doesn't say carry everyone's bird everyone else's burdens, yourself. It says give them to God. See, we have to teach people to give their burdens to God and not give them to us. Imagine that. We have to teach people to give their burdens to God and not to give them to us. Sometimes the most loving thing we can do is remind people that their burdens belong in God's hands, that they can trust him, that he is faithful, and that he will carry their burdens. Sometimes when people don't know how to do that, they are so reliant on people that when people fail them, everything falls apart. They start turning to vices, to unhealthy patterns, drugs, alcohol, sex, relationships, overeating, because they've never learned how to rely on God for their problems. They're always turning to people. And sometimes that compassion fatigue is just too much for us to carry. And if you're a caregiver or you work in ministry in any way, I want to give you some signs that you can look for. Here are some signs of emotional depletion. I know I've experienced these, so I know that you probably have too. We become irritable. See, the thing that actually God is using in us to bless other people actually comes out in irritation. We become emotionally numb. We feel overwhelmed by people's problems. We should never feel overwhelmed by people's problems. We actually become resentment towards those we are helping. And again, what God is using in us to bless other people could actually make us feel resentment. Then we feel guilty when we actually need space. I can't take time away, I can't step away because their lives will fall apart if I don't be there for them. So when you give from an empty place long enough, compassion eventually turns into utter exhaustion and sometimes even that resentment. And that doesn't mean that you're a bad person. It just means that you're human, that you have human emotions. God himself, Jesus Himself, He took time away to rest. In Psalm 23, it says this, He restores my soul. God cares about the condition of your soul, not just your service. And I think that is so beautiful. That He's not worried and concerned about how much we're doing and how much we're producing and how much we're loving people. He can, he actually cares about the condition of your soul, not just the service that you're giving to others. So I want to talk about what emotional boundaries look like when they're healthy. Healthy boundaries can sound like this. I care about you, but I can't carry this for you. Ouch. Can you imagine that we can actually say that to people? I care about you, but I can't carry this for you. I'm not in a place emotionally to talk about this today. One of the things that I say all the time, and I've had to really learn and I've had to practice this, and it's had to become a discipline in my life, is I don't have the emotional capacity right now for this. And that's okay because I know myself that I can't handle other people's burdens today. I need to take care of me so that when I pour out to others, it's not going to be a place from exhaustion. Sometimes we need to just say to someone, I love you, but I need some time to rest. I can't fix this, but I will pray for you. I think sometimes, you know, we can think that that's just a Christianese thing to say to uh to just kind of push people away. You know, we say that and then we don't actually pray for them. We can say to them, I can't fix this, but I can pray for you and really mean it. Pray for them. Pray that you would have the strength to teach them how to give their burdens to God. See, being compassionate doesn't mean that we become someone else's emotional lifeline. And let me be completely and utterly real here. This is not easy. And I know this for myself because I work in ministry. I walk alongside of broken people, I work with people who are homeless and suffering from sexual trauma and victims of human trafficking. I know what it means to care for people. But if I'm not healthy myself, then I can't pour into others. It is not easy. But the thing is, is I matter too, and you matter too. And many helpers forget this. Your emotional well-being actually matters to God too. Jesus said this in Matthew 22. I love this. Love your neighbor as yourself. And notice he says as yourself. He didn't just say love your neighbor. He said, love your neighbor as yourself. And I've heard people say, love your neighbor as you're loving yourself. See, you can't love your neighbor well if you've completely neglected yourself. This is the thing that many people fall into. It's called the strong one trap. And many of us fall into this. Maybe you're the one in your family who holds everything together. You're the one friend that people call when they're struggling. You're the one that people can lean on when life gets hard. And being the strong one sometimes feels like a badge of honor, but it can also become exhausting. Sometimes it makes you feel important, but it's also exhausting. When you're always the strong one, here's what happens: people stop asking how you're doing. And I know this to be true because sometimes people think that you have it all together and you're the strong one and you're the fixer and you're always the one who comes to people's rescue. And they think that you're fine. They assume you're fine, they assume you can handle it all, and they stop asking how you're doing. But strength without support eventually turns into, again, emotional exhaustion. And sometimes the people who carry everyone else are the ones who are actually quietly drowning themselves. And that is why boundaries matter. Not because you don't love people, but because you were never designed to be everyone's emotional support system. So I want to ask you something today. Think about the people in your life right now. Is there anyone whose problem you're carrying emotionally? It's their problem, but you're carrying the burden. Someone whose situation keeps you up at night. Someone whose life feels like it's sitting on your shoulders. Now I want to ask you this honestly. Did God actually ask you to carry that? Or did you pick it up because you wanted to be the fixer, because you care, because you feel the need to be needed? These are two very different things. If God acts asks you to step in and to care for that person, he will give you the strength to sustain it. But if he didn't, then you will become exhausted. So ask yourself, did God actually ask me to carry this, or did I pick it up because I care too much? Sometimes the most freeing thing we can do is gently place something back into God's hands. So I want to speak to the person who feels emotionally exhausted, the one who has been strong for everyone else, the one who answers the late night calls, the one who keeps showing up for people who are struggling, the one who carries everyone else's pain. I want you to hear this today. You ready? You are allowed to rest. You are allowed to protect your peace, and you are allowed to say, I care about you, but I cannot carry this for you. Some of you are emotionally exhausted, and it's not because you don't love people, it's because you're carrying things that you were never meant to carry. They aren't yours to carry. Somewhere along the way, you've started carrying everyone's pain and everyone's crisis, everyone's problems. Hear me again. God never asked you to be everyone's savior. You're called to love people, but you are not called to carry what only God can carry. And sometimes the most spiritual thing you can do is step back and let God be the one who holds it. Because when you give every ounce of yourself away, eventually there is nothing left of you. And God never asked you to disappear in the name of love. Your heart matters, your soul matters, your peace matters, and maybe the most spiritual thing you can do this week is step back, breathe, and allow God to refill the places that have been drained by other people. Because you cannot pour living water into the world if your own well has run dry. Helping people should come from overflow, not depletion. Take care of yourself, take care of your soul. So if this episode spoke to your heart in any way, I want to ask you to just share it with one person, just one. You can share it with five, but just one. One person that God puts on your mind today, someone who is emotionally exhausted, someone who struggles with setting boundaries for themselves and loving themselves, and someone who struggles with carrying things that were never meant for them to carry. Because sometimes the encouragement we receive is not just for us, it's meant to pass on. Sharing is caring. I love that. Sharing is caring, and sometimes the message that helped you is exactly what someone else has been praying for. So remember this week life can get messy, faith can get real, but you're not dealing with it alone. I'll see you next time on We're Dealing. Thank you so much for listening.